Saturday, June 13, 2009

God Bless America

It's always a great Friday at TGI Fridays, would you like a margarita for the lady and a 20oz Guinness to start for yourself sir?

It was 10am on a Wednesday morning and we were getting breakfast.

Two words...stranger. danger.

I was browsing through cd's while Jane was window shopping when I saw a kid looking for a specific song by a band. He picked up the wrong cd and told his friend it was the one they were looking for. I turned to them and said it wasn't the cd they were looking for and I found the proper one and handed it to them. I've never been looked at like I was a pedophile before and I don't want to experience it again! The irony is, they were delighted I found them the real cd. punks.

Blind man: "I'll have the burger please"

Waiter: "Sure. You must have sat too close to the tv as a kid!"

Blind man: "I didn't have a tv".

Waiter: 'ok'.

Lovely couple across from us in a restaurant. Did the waiter not realise that asking a blind man who was about 70 did he sit too close to the tv to bring on his blindness would be highly inappropriate.
I nearly spat out my diet coke and Jane nearly choked on her baked potato. Outstanding.

Irate Customer to waitress talking about the manager: She's lucky I know Jesus because I'd go right over there and tell her what a b***h she was!

That just made us plain angry. If you knew Jesus you wouldn't talk like that and you'd realise that maybe the manager has stuff going on for her which should make you try to love her even more. They refused to tip the manager who was their waitress and tipped the other girl who didn't serve them at all. This makes me never want to call myself a Christian. There are way too many bad representations of Christ around. It was slightly amusing to see the woman have to come back in to retrieve her phone she left behind from the manager. The manager was nice to her.

Waitress: "So where are you guys from?"

Us: "Ireland"

Waitress: "Oh I knew it was Australia or England. It's the same island anyway".

Same island? I ignored the fact that Australia and England are on two completely different continents and just thought about the fact that somehow Ireland and England are on the same island? If only she knew our history!

Information person on Las Vegas Boulevard "Where are you guys staying?"

Me: "Sam's Town Hotel. Where all the weird locals seem to hang out!".

Lady: "My sister lives near there, are you saying she's weird?"

Me: "Eh...they're not all weird!?"

They are in fact ALL weird. Bless their cotton socks, but they were the definition of carney folk.

English man at a bar: "You're from Ireland? Do an Irish dance"

Jane: "ha, ha (awkward) eh...didle de dee potatoes!"

English man: "ha ha you didn't have any potatoes during the famine did you?"

awkward silence...Me: "that's offensive, and you're English so you need to back off when talking about our tragic history when you caused most of it".

I think I was more offensive! I guess Irish Blood runs thick in me. Both my grand fathers would have been proud of me. Not sure if that's a good thing though! Makes me order baked potatoes instead of chips out of solidarity now. Nice to see those beautiful creations in their full glory.

Pastor in church in Las Vegas "if you tithe to us you'll prosper financially"

Us: "huh?"

That one always amuses me. Takes some amazing hermeneutics to come up with that one.

Me after opening the door for the millionth time for someone and them ignoring me as they walk past "YOU'RE WELCOME, you ignorant yolk". (capitals said out loud, lower caps whispered to myself).

I know calling them an ignorant yolk under my breath is not a very kingdom act. I'm in constant repentance for that one, but it is one of my irks - at least say thanks, or tell me you didn't want me to open the door for you, just don't ignore me. Jane sometimes forgets to whisper her annoyance.

homeless man "Your beard is awesome"

Me: "Thanks dude and yes it is. Real men grow beards. I hope to have one like yours someday."

Homeless man: "Maybe someday".

That someday is arriving sooner than I thought. This is not an invitation for comments about my beard. You say you don't like my beard, I say I don't like your face. That dude's beard was awesome. In fact, he was a cool guy. Jane agrees with me that real men grow beards. Sweet.

Denny's waitress: "How do you like your eggs?"

Jane: "huh?"

Denny's waitress: "sunny side, scrambled, over easy, poached, hard boiled (I'm sure there were more I can't think of right now).

Jane: "I'd just like an egg please"

That needs no explanation. She got a scrambled one.

Starbucks barista: "What can I get you?"

Jane: "tea please"

Starbucks barista: "green, black, herbal infusion..."

Jane: "I'll have a normal tea please"

"Starbucks barista: "They're all normal"

Jane: "black?"

Starbucks barista: "Hot or cold"

Jane: "hot"

Starbucks barista: "room for cream"

Jane: "cream? Who puts cream in tea? If you mean milk, then yeah"

Starbucks barista: "What size?"

Jane: "small"

Starbucks barista: "You mean tall?"

Jane: "Yeah. I'd just like a tall black tea with room for milk please.

Starbucks: "No problem. You can collect it at the counter. Have a nice day"

Jane to me: "Can it be that difficult to order a tea?"

Me: "I didn't think so".

The next customer accustomed to the elite starbucks ordering club asked for the following drink or something very similar to it:

"Can I have a Decaf, Triple shot, Grande, Sugar free vanilla, 2% milk, Extra white mocha, Extra hot, No whip, No foam, Extra drizzle (chocolate), Marble mocha macchiato please?"

Starbucks barista: "Sure, no problem!"

It put it all in context and made us realise that yes it can be that difficult to articulate you drink order at starbucks!